Friday, August 6, 2010

Sweet Valley University Thriller Edition: Kiss of the Vampire



I read this book and wrote a review, but lost it somewhere. The second time, I just kind of skimmed the book so I apologize if the review is kind of off.

The twins are planning a Halloween party at an abandoned mansion near campus. Conveniently, an abandoned one with running water and electricity. Liz keeps whining to Jess because she’s waiting to hear back from some internship. She and Tom both applied and instead of calling the winner, they’re sending out letters. Yup, I’m sure those will get to all applicants at the same time.

Jess wisely points out that since it’s a nationwide contest, there’s no guarantee that either one will win. Then again, this is Sweet Valley and apparently the only place in the country where students do shit. Liz meets with Tom to open their letters and he of course, gets it. That means he flies out to New Orleans for the weekend to work with Nicholas des Perdu, who’s supposedly a superstar writer.

Am I the only one who finds this ridiculous? Seriously, would you even compete for something like this? Tom basically gets on a place Friday morning, flies to New Orleans, works for the weekend and then gets on another plane Sunday and comes back to Sweet Valley. I can understand if it was a month or even a week, but just a weekend?

Liz and Tom start acting like one of them is dying. They spend every waking moment together and moon over each other like lost puppy dogs. If you love him so much and can’t bare to be without him Liz, just give up the cherry already! Liz takes Tom to the airport and gives him a “special” gift: she gets naked in the backseat. Nah, it’s just a picture of herself. My story is way better though.

The B-storyline involves Jessica. The Theta house decides to make their parlor (don’t they have like 7?) into an extra bedroom. Jessica wants it, but so does Alison. I’m pretty sure that they would just give it to Alison, since she’s a junior and v-p, but that doesn’t happen. Magda basically just tells them to work it out and let her know what they decide.

Tom heads to New Orleans and acts like a moron. Seriously, he has no idea what a mausoleum is and actually asks about the little buildings. Really Tom? I knew about those when I was five. Plus he has to look up the word exsanguination because this was a pre-CSI world. Nicholas’s housekeeper Marielle, makes with the eyes and shows Tom around.

Nicholas himself shows up, looking like your stereotypical vampire. He sees a picture of Liz and flashes back to the 1700s, when he lived in France. His young bride Lisette just so happened to look exactly like Liz. How many does that make now, six? Nicholas pretends it didn’t happen, but does seem a little disappointed when he learns that Liz almost came there instead of Tom.

It basically just bounces between Tom and Liz for the next 100+ pages. Liz mopes over Tom and Tom mopes over Liz. He thinks about her the entire time he’s out there, not even paying attention to the history or the scenery. Liz gets asked out by a classmate and turns him down, thinking about how much she needs Tom. Seriously Liz, loose the cherry already!

Liz calls Tom, but the number she has, was disconnected. Tom thinks about calling Liz, but then Marielle wanders into his room. She puts the mojo on him and he breaks free, but then worries because he can’t find Liz’s picture. The next day, it’s back on his nightstand and he just kind of laughs it off, like he couldn’t find it in the dark.

Liz has a nightmare about a guy following her around and Nicholas has a flashback to the time when he married Lisette. Then Jess gets home and nearly sets the building on fire. She tosses a scarf over a light and *boom*. Liz tells everyone about it and they giggle like mad. I’m wondering if this is possible. Apparently Jess left it there, while she went to take a shower. Liz woke up and the desk was on fire. It seems like it would take a little longer than that.

Tom wanders around town for an hour before he leaves, his only real sightseeing by the way. He reads an article about people turning up, drained of their blood, but doesn’t really seem to notice. Nor does he find it odd when he sees a coffin in Nicholas’s basement. Luckily he’s heading home, not knowing that Nicholas is on the next flight out.

Our happy couple head to the abandoned mansion, where Liz tells him all her plans. The lights go out and when Tom goes to investigate, someone grabs Liz. She starts making out with him because she figures it’s Tom. When he gets back, she giggles, thinking about how he kissed her like crazy and then played it cool. Yup, wasn’t Tom.

Liz then runs into Nicholas in the cafeteria. Look, my school was pretty small and we still had more than one cafeteria. Apparently Sweet Valley University sucks in more ways than one. He tells her that he wants to nominate Tom for some scholarship and wants all the dirt from his girlfriend. Despite the fact that she doesn’t know him, Liz agrees to go out with him. And I thought Jessica was the dumbass when it came to men.

Liz goes out with Nicholas, Jess sees and inadvertently tells Tom that Liz went out with someone else. Nicholas puts the mojo on Liz, biting her neck and kissing her all over. He starts laying her down and…Hey! After all the psychos, spring breaks and random nonsense in the Sweet Valley High books, wouldn’t it be great if Liz lost it to a vampire? Yeah, well it doesn’t happen. She suddenly remembers Tom (after like 6 hours of making out) and pulls away. Nicholas flashes back to Lisette. Apparently he was at the Bastille and someone sent a letter home, saying he died. Lisette was so distraught that she killed herself. He’s so upset over his memories that he kills some random bar chick.

Liz and Tom fight, Liz has problems being in the sun and eventually they go to a vampire horror movie. Liz goes home, has a dream about Nicholas and Tom saves her just before she walks out a window. Tom sees an article talking about dead bodies popping up and realizes that the same thing happened in New Orleans. Liz and Jess find flowers in their room and Liz pretends they’re from a secret admire, but Jess tots sees the card from Nicholas.

Tom decides to check up on Nicholas and goes to his hotel, but of course they won’t tell him anything. He takes a list of the names of people staying there (thief!). He realizes that des Perdu means of the lost and one of the names on the list is Ofthelost. He immediately runs off to find Liz.

Remember that whole B storyline? Yeah, well Jess and Alison keep driving each other nuts. Jessica paints the room (some guys do it for her) and brings in some stuff. Then Alison puts up a border and piles her stuff in a corner. Jess puts on a padlock and Alison cuts through it and points on her own lock. Jess sees some guy standing outside her window and blows it off. She heads to the party, just in time to see Louis Miles for the first time. Poor bastard, he should have ran when he had the chance.

Tom can’t find Liz and Jess doesn’t give a shit, until he tells her what he found. This is also when they learn that Alison was attacked and bitten by something and is in the hospital. Meanwhile Liz is some kind of trance and willingly hops a plane for New Orleans. We know she’s in a trance because she thinks Lisette is some kind of nickname for her and talks about becoming a woman with him. Seriously, loose the cherry!

Liz gets weirded out by a painting of Lisette and decides that she wants to go home. Nicholas gives her a wedding dress and they start kissing. Tom and Jess get to town and find the house, hearing Liz scream inside. Tom runs off to save Liz and Jess kind of plays along with Nicholas, making him think she’s her twin. Tom carries Liz outside and realizes the house is on fire. Apparently Liz knocked over a candle or something.

Tom smacks Nicholas over the head and carries Jess from the burning building. Tom and Liz make up and suddenly we’re back in Sweet Valley. Jess tells Liz that Alison is out of the hospital and she no longer wants the room. Good thing we don’t have to mention this book ever again. Jess heads outside and sees a delivery guy with flowers for Liz: 11 white and one red. She takes the flowers, tosses them aside and wanders off.

What the hell? It seems like the only thing people can talk about are the twins. Yet Nicholas is in town for like a week and NO ONE bothers to tell him that Liz has an identical twin sister. Ugh. You know, if he had met Jess first, they probably would have been married and she would have been a vampire in less than a week…

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