Saturday, September 4, 2010

Sweet Valley University #23: Sweet Kiss of Summer



Ryan took off after sharing a kiss with Elizabeth and now Liz is all heartbroken. Pretty much all she does is sit around and moan about being alone because he’s her one true love. Jessica has completely moved on with Ben, but now she’s worried that they’re moving too fast. Gee, just because you’ve been together for three seconds and you think that you’re going to get married someday.

This book sucks pretty hardcore so lets get it over with. Winston starts mouthing off to Rachel and the gang from the other shore/lifeguard team. They decide to bet their merit pay on some triathlon that both squads are doing. Everyone on the squad flips out about him doing it, mainly because Ryan’s gone, so they don’t have a good team. Winston lets it slip that someone saw him working an hour away.

Liz runs up to see him and finds him working in a bar as a waiter. They talk, share a kiss and then he tells her to get lost. The squad tries to convince her to go talk to him and she refuses, but then does it anyway. This time she sees him going into a church with a pretty girl and becomes convinced that he’s getting married. Apparently in Liz’s mind, the only reason you’d go to church during the week is because you’re getting married.

It turns out that he’s actually in AA. He tells a story about how he was so drunk last summer that he called in sick to work. A rookie took over his shift, a kid drowned and he blames himself. He sees Liz there and tells her that he won’t come back, even though she knows his secret. She accuses him of being a quitter and tells him that the squad still uses everything he taught them.

Liz and Nina talk constantly because they both have boyfriends, but have few qualms about cheating. They basically go out with other guys and then whine to each other about how hard it is to love two guys at the same time. Only in Sweet Valley. Liz even realizes that when the summer ends, she’s going back to Tom, but then can’t figure out why she shouldn’t give into Ryan. I love it too because she remembers how hard it was when Tom kissed his ex on the cruise ship and yet she’s sharing more than one kiss with Ryan.

All these weird things start happening at the shore. Wendy is watching over Pedro’s house while he’s on tour and someone breaks in and steals her wallet. Then somehow breaks into the lifeguard tower. Then someone poisons her dog. By the way, Wendy only pops up every few pages to whine because Pedro hasn’t called her in a few weeks.

Jessica goes for a run on the beach, falls on something and cuts open her foot. They find a knife in the sand, just like the one Nina’s non-boyfriend Paul carries. Jess can barely walk and is taken out of the running for the triathlon. The squad tells Winston that he’s in as their alternate. Unfortunately Winston’s been taking bets on the race and gets tossed out. One of the kids placing bets is some little punk, who keeps showing up with extra cash.

Everyone starts freaking out about the race, until Ryan shows up and takes over as captain of the squad again. They head off to the race and lose the first round to the other squad. Then they win the second and it all comes down to some run wearing full scuba gear. Wendy gets lost in the woods and Nina gets pushed. She finds Paul tied to a tree and saves him, but not before they kiss.

Wendy finds her way and ends up right behind Rachel, Ben’s ex and captain of the other squad. Rachel slows down and she crosses the line first, to find Pedro waiting for her. He announces that he left his tour and went to Mexico to get his grandmother’s engagement ring. He proposes and she accepts, despite the fact that they only had like 2 dates before he went on tour.

Sweet Valley loses and everyone pouts because they won’t get their merit pay. Then the punk kid shows up and it turns out that he’s Rachel’s little brother. She was causing all the problems and stole money from a bunch of people. She bet on Sweet Valley and tried to throw the race. The police arrest her and everyone gets their money back.

Jessica gives Ben a going away present, which is actually kind of sweet. It has a map of Sweet Valley on one side, a map of Chicago on the other and says “the heart will find a way” on the front. He gives her a UCLA shirt and she’s all confused until he announces that he plans on transferring to LA to be with her. Sweet, until you realize that in the next book, she meets Nick.

Wendy invites Winston to her wedding and he invites her to visit him at college. Nina and Paul share a kiss, but she tells him that she loves her boyfriend and isn’t giving him anything but friendship. Liz and Ryan kiss on the beach and then she looks forward to getting back to Tom.

Random note: Ben asks Jessica if he can spend the night with her and her eyes get all big, before she agrees. Are they sleeping-sleeping or is Jessica having sex with someone yet again? I know she has sex with Nick, but did she screw Ben too??

Friday, September 3, 2010

Sweet Valley University #20: Here Comes the Bride



Billie and Steven are broken up and he’s living with Mike. That basically means he’s running around to bars and pool halls a lot and trying to hook up with girls, but failing miserably. He decides to serenade her with a horn and she realizes that he’s still in love with her. They decide to get married after all and have it at the Wakefield house.

There’s really only a couple of storylines that take place here. One involves Jessica and Mike who are now dating again, but taking things slow. They go out a few times and Jess gets pissed off because Mike doesn’t respond to her short skirts and flirting. She tells him that she wants things back to normal, but then freaks out when he flirts with other girls. He says that if she wants the Mike she’s attracted to, she has to deal with him attracting other women and she can’t deal with that. Doesn’t he realize Jess is the only one allowed to whore around in her relationships?

Liz and Tom get assigned the job of meeting her mom’s aunt Sylvia at the airport, but when they arrive, Liz sees her getting in a car with some guy. I love this story because Liz doesn’t get everything she wants. She goes to the cops and they don’t believe her. Then she goes to the rental car place and can’t figure out why they won’t give her confidential and private information on their clients.

Steven decides that he doesn’t want to be one of those couples that breaks up and gives into everything Billie wants. He reads a bunch of relationship books, but then just decides to go along with what everyone says, which pisses off the whole group. Billie just keeps running off because no one will listen to her and she’s depressed because her parents are stuck in Mexico and can’t make it back for the wedding.

Liz finally finds Sylvia. She went off with Carl, who was her dead husband’s best friend. Her, Carl and their spouses used to vacation together and they got together to spread the ashes of their spouses. Sylvia agrees to come to the wedding.

Billie, Steven, Liz, Tom, Jessica and Mike go out for the rehearsal dinner and all hell breaks loose. Billie storms out because Steven acts difficult, he won’t even eat because he’s decided to follow a macrobiotic diet. Then Jess storms out because Mike ran into his ex-girlfriend. He comes to see her that night and they go for a long drive, where he tells her that it’s up to her to decide where they stand. By the way, Jessica is sleeping in a teddy, which seems really gross. Why the hell would you sleep in that by yourself and in your parents house?

Billie and Steven stay up all night talking and decide to call off the wedding…the night before. Alice freaks out, but then Sylvia shows up. She and Carl are running off to the courthouse to get married, but instead they get married at the house. Even though most of the people are college age, Sylvia keeps talking about how she loves her family.

Jess and Mike dance and she tells him she isn’t ready for a serious relationship because things are too intense. Um, won’t she start dating someone else exclusively in like three days? He tells her that he loves her and he’ll wait until she’s ready. I liked Mike up until this point.

Oh and there’s a short story with Bruce and Lila. Lila confronts her father about buying the doughnut shop and makes him give into all her demands. That sets her off on a bargaining thrill where she wants to make other demands. Bruce suggests they do a pre-prenup. They both hire lawyers, but then end up making out while the lawyers fight it out. They finally decide it’s better to just be in love and deal with everything else later.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Sweet Valley University #19: Broken Promises, Shattered Dreams



So Billie is all sad because she’s pregnant and her life is over. She can’t go to Spain for her fancy scholarship. She sees Chas and confesses why she’s so sad. He tells her to talk to his sister Tracy, who works at a health clinic. Steven runs to his professor, with all his plans for the future. The prof kind of makes Steven fell like he’s making the wrong choice, but we know that abortion really isn’t an option in this world. Jess wants Steve to loan her some money…er, invest in her new fashion company. He confesses that he can’t waste any money because Billie is pregnant and he doesn’t want her telling Liz.

Billie goes to the clinic and is treated pretty good. She meets several women, who tell her of her options. The doctor herself had a baby and gave it up for an adoption. One of the counselors had an abortion. They remind Billie that it’s her body, her choice and no one can force her to do anything. She acts like this is the first time anyone ever told her and can’t figure out what to do.

She goes home and finds Steve cooking her favorite dinner. For some reason her parents are in town and Steve makes plans to see them and his parents the following night, so they can tell everyone about their plan. Look, I don’t want to be a hardass, but you’re supposed to wait three months before you tell anyone. It’s just plain luck and in case anything happens. I had a friend who told everyone she was pregnant when she was one week late and hadn’t yet been to the doctor. Turns out her pregnancy test was a false positive. Another girl I knew, told everyone she was pregnant at week six and got married to her boyfriend of three whole months. It’s kind of crazy how fast people move!

Anyway, Billie wants to talk about the situation. She’s tired of Steven doing everything and not giving her a say. She brings up abortion and he does the “no child of mine” bull shit. She says it’s her body and they fight for way too long. Steve gets sad and tells her that he loves her and basically plays the guilt card. She agrees to have the baby and get married.

I’m sorry, but these two are not being realistic in the slightest. He assumes that they can just get married, have a baby, keep going to school and nothing is going to change. Let’s see how well he does in law school, when he has a crying baby every night. Steve plans on working at night and going to school during the day, while Billie raises a baby, goes to school and tutors students at home. Their parents aren’t happy, but agree to help as much as they can.

Steve goes to Lila’s doughnut shop and announces the news to everyone. He then invites all of the twins’ friends to their wedding, does he really not have any friends of his own? Alice turns into the wedding planner from hell and refuses to listen to any of Billie’s wishes. Billie hides in the bathroom and fantasizes about having a hellion kid with tattoos (her idea of Jessica) or a know it all like Liz. Steve starts freaking out himself. He and Billie talk things through and decide to go through with the wedding.

They go back to campus and I actually feel bad for Billie. She finds her scholarship letter and starts crying because she can’t do anything she wanted. Steve decides to fix it by making her a Spanish dinner and promising to go there with her someday. Yeah, I’m sure that will make it better. He also has a series of interviews at Ned’s law firm because he applied for a paid internship. He learns that things aren’t as great as he thinks and he won’t be able to work in any area of law that interests him.

Billie completely loses it over the wedding. Every time she turns around, Alice is making plans for their wedding. She loves him and wanted to marry him, but not like this. They have a huge fight, where he basically tells her that he doesn’t care and to do whatever she wants. He runs off after screaming at her and she collapses. He rushes her to the hospital and they learn that she lost the baby. Steve feels guilty and it’s clear that nothing will ever be the same again…

The B-plot involves Jessica throwing a fashion show at Lila’s shop, using clothes from her and Val’s new line. Jess gets all jealous when she learns that Val and Mike have some kind of relationship, but she blows it off. She also claims that she and Mike didn’t have real love, not like she and Louis did. Um, then why the fuck did you marry him? And if you really loved Louis, then why hook up with Mike in the next book?

Then they have problems with the fabric and Val disappears. Jess has to deal with everyone wanting to do their fittings and see the clothes, but nothing exists. Turns out that Mike took Val south, to get more fabric after their order was trapped in customs. Mike was friends with Val’s husband, who died in a car accident, which is how they know each other. The fashion show is a hit and I want to scream.

We’re also treated to a Liz story. She’s neglecting Tom because Jess needs her after what happened to Louis. They finally spend some time together and somehow start talking about marriage. Tom proposes and both think it was a joke, but that the other person is serious. He buys her this huge engagement ring and she starts wearing it around. Eventually they realize they aren’t ready for marriage, but she can keep the ring until they’re ready. What happened to it after they broke up??

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Sweet Valley University #18: Billie’s Secret



Billie and Steven invite over Jess, Liz and Tom for dinner. It’s all very cute until they start debating over journalism. Seriously, Liz and Tom act like being TV reporters are the ultimate in newsworthy stuff and would never do anything unbalanced. Uh-huh. Steven says that everyone needs to know what they want out of life, like how they want security for their children. Very romantic. He also helps Jessica get her resume together to apply for a job at some store. Pretty sure she just needs to walk in and fill out an application.

Billie gets annoyed with Steven later because she suddenly loves the guitar and he won’t shut up long enough for her to practice. Then we have Tom getting pissed at Liz because she keeps helping Jess instead of spending time with him. She points out that Jess is upset because her boyfriend/professor killed himself for her. Maybe if Jess didn’t fall in love every three days, she wouldn’t have a problem. Then we have Lila getting all sad because Jess is getting a job and she has no direction.

Liz goes to a restaurant and meets a girl about a potential story. Amy was a former model and waitress….wait. If she worked as a model in NYC, why the fuck would she want to work at a restaurant to pay her way through college? Anyway, she shows her an add for Kitty’s Restaurant, which wants models to be waitresses. She says she wasn’t hired because her chest wasn’t big enough. Liz decides to do something. It must be Tuesday.

Billie runs into Liz and they start chatting. Liz finds out that she plays, but Steven doesn’t really know. Since Liz has had 2.5 boyfriends in her entire life, she thinks she knows best. She keeps saying that she doesn’t understand. Billie tells her she will when she’s older. Give me a fucking break. Billie is two years older, barely an adult. Plus, they’ve been living together for two years, which is kind of insane when you consider that they’re only 20. They really need to get out and live a little.

Jessica goes into Taylor’s Department Store, running into Mike McAllery on the way. He makes a comment about her not being a working kind of girl and she gets all offended, even though she feels the same way. She gets the job and meets Val, a cool older girl. She later overhear Steve and Mike making a bet on whether she keeps the job.

Liz gets the job at the restaurant, after padding her bra. It’s really stupid because she acts like she’s never heard of a Hooter’s before. She can’t believe that the guys will pinch a girl’s ass or make rude comments, though her comments are pretty lame. One guy orders a “busty” pizza instead of a crusty one. Ooh, poor Liz.

Billie starts having problems because she hates her major and loves music. She knows her parents wouldn’t approve if she changed majors and that Steven wouldn’t understand because he thinks they should both go to law school. She starts bonding with Chas, a music major and it pisses Steve off.

Jessica goes to a fashion show with Val and runs into Mike, who flirts with her friend and kind of ignores her. She keeps running into him all the time and getting butterflies, but then thinks he’s an ass and wants to kick him. Lila gets a job at the store for about one hour. She’s rude to the customers and blows off work to hang out with Bruce. He talks back to her manager Mr. Farally, who fires her on the spot and has Bruce evicted. She runs to her dad, who gives her money and ignores her problem. Kind of wish my dad was like that sometimes.

Steve finally meets Chas and is immediately threatened. He rails on Billie for not telling him about her new friend and they have a huge fight. Billie confesses she wants to study music, he makes her feel bad and she gives up. Liz starts blowing off Tom and lying about going to work. Is she really allowed to investigate possible stories without telling anyone?

There’s a big sock hop coming up and everyone plans on going, of course. Billie wants to cancel, but then Chas shows up and makes a big deal of the dance. She changes her mind, which pisses Steve off because he thinks she only wants to go to be with Chas, especially after seeing them dance together. Billie gets sick at the dance and tells him their relationship is making her sick. Oh and he totally goes through her drawers, trying to find proof of an affair. Me? I went through my guy’s cell phone and pockets…

Oh god and there’s this whole scene at the dance, where he’s stuck with one of her music friends. He keeps saying everything about the guy is “affected”, like his attitude and his collarless shirt. Yeah Steve because a college pre-law student who acts like he knows everything, isn’t affected at all. AT ALL. Liz is about to tell Tom about her story, when she sees him checking out a busty girl and gets pissed off.

Billie gets news that she’s invited to do some guitar performance/competition thing. The winner gets a free semester abroad in Spain, to learn under some famous player. When she realizes how good she is, she immediately switches her major to music.

Tom sees Liz all dolled up for her job and freaks out, but she pushes him away. She quits her job, but it just so happens that on her last night, he shows up with Danny and some friends. She throws a hissy fit in the restaurant and pulls off her booby pads. Everyone gets all pissed off and he boss fires her. The other girls all pull out fake boobs and the guys drop their mouths. Give me a flipping break. There’s no way every single girl working there would be stuffing. Of course Liz does a huge story, the company sells the restaurants, blah, blah, blah.

Bruce figures out what to give Lila: a doughnut shop. She wants something that will fulfill her life and this is it. She immediately makes plans to turn it into a non-profit. Jess stops by with everyone else and they make a bunch of plans. She runs into a guy on her way out and Bruce gives him some free doughnuts in apology. Mike gives Jess a ride to work, where she learns the store is closing down. Lila’s dad bought the store and some other properties, planning to tear them down to form condos.

Billie realizes that she’s late, after having morning sickness for a week straight. She freaks out and tells him and he turns into robot mode. They’ll both go to summer school, he’ll graduate a semester early and start law school right away. They’ll get married, she can take a semester off for the baby and then jump right back into classes and go to law school. I so want to smack him. Billie plays her heart out and everyone knows that she won, but she’s all emo because she realizes she can’t take the internship and have a baby. Poor girl.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Sweet Valley University Thriller Edition: Running for Her Life



This book is incredibly ridiculous so I’ll have to condense it down some. Basically Liz is the best writer in the world and this book totally confirms it. Jessica is completely obsessed with movie star Julia Reynolds, who dies in an accident and the police believe that it’s suicide. Liz’s new journalism assignment involves finding a newspaper article and writing a different slant on it. She locks herself in the dorm room for two days and writes an article saying that the movie production company actually killed Julia and made it look like a suicide, which of course it was.

The professor is so impressed that she sends it to a friend who works for a major newspaper and the friend decides to run the story. The professor gets a package, which turns out to be a mail bomb. She’s killed and Liz barely escapes. Then the friend is also killed and some guy shoots at Jessica, thinking she’s Liz. The twins then go on the run.

Matt is another actor who was engaged to Julia and he hears about the article and tracks the twins down. They all work together to try and find the killer, who’s also tracking them. He worries that another actress Candace might be next because she also left the studio and gets Jess on set to warn her. Jess gets a walk-on role in the movie, but is fired when Candace hates her and Candace later turns up dead.

Matt gets a call from a guy who works for the studio, but when they go to meet him, he’s already dead. His widow gives them his safety deposit key. Conveniently the guy wrote down all the details and left it behind. Apparently the studio was nearly bankrupt because a bunch of actors left them. They have one more person on the list and plan to kill him at the Academy Awards.

Luckily the award show wants to give Julia a special Oscar and invited Matt to the show. Apparently they give special awards to people who star in a bunch of crappy action movies like Julia did. He asks Jessica to go with him and gives her the special dress Julia bought for the day when she’d win an Oscar. Of course he’s in love with Jessica and wants to go with her.

Liz gets a call from an FBI agent who wants to meet with her and she doesn’t tell anyone. The real FBI agent was killed and the killer grabs Liz at the meeting. Luckily Tom went to the agent’s hotel room and knew where he was meeting Liz so he shows up and saves the day.

Jess and Matt go to the Oscars and she acts like she’s the big star and Matt’s just a lackey. The actor the studio wants dead wins the best supporting actor award and the killer jumps out, but Liz throws herself in front of him and saves him. The cops show up and naturally believe them, even though they don’t really have any proof.

We then jump to a few days later when Matt tells Jessica that he’s leaving town. He plans to give up acting for awhile and travel Europe. She gets kind of pissy because he’s leaving her, but then decides that she needs to focus on her acting career. He tells her that someday she’ll meet her own Matt and find an actor who supports her and her career before riding off into the sunset.

I think this book is a rip-off of some movie from the 1960s when the studios worked different. Basically the book says that actors have exclusive contracts with a specific studio, even though that’s not really true anymore, unless you work for Disney. Can you imagine is someone told George Clooney that he could only work with one studio? A bunch of others would revolt.

The basic premise of the book is that the studio was losing money because actors kept making deals and then leaving. Julie dropped out of an action movie and Candace dropped out of a romantic comedy. If the studio lost one more star, it would mean losing another movie and then going bankrupt. Plus the head of the studio had a gambling problem and kept losing money because he was dipping into funds. I swear I’ve seen this movie before though…

Monday, August 30, 2010

Sweet Valley University Thriller Edition: The House of Death



Lila Fowler has an aunt Katherine, who was never mentioned before and is never mentioned again. She owned a huge house in Sweet Valley, but was murdered there. Lila and her parents go to the reading of the will and learn that she left her huge ass pink diamond ring to Grace, but the police never found it. She left most of her estate, including her house to Lila.

Lila decides that she doesn’t want the house, but agrees to go out and look at it. She makes plans to meet Bruce, but he’s late because of a fraternity meeting, since now he’s apparently president, though he won’t be in the next book. She goes into the house by herself because she thinks she hears someone calling to her and an earthquake hits.

Bruce is helping some poor woman change a tire on her car when the earthquake hits, but she makes him go check on his girl. He arrives to find Lila pinned underneath an armoire. He gets it off her by himself, waits until the ambulance arrives and goes with her to the hospital. He sits in the waiting room with Liz and Jess, who suddenly hates him. She literally spends an entire page talking about what a terrible boyfriend he is and how she wishes Lila would find someone else.

The doctors tell them that Lila is in a coma and they don’t know if she’ll wake up, which is funny because a few pages earlier, they say they can’t tell them anything because they aren’t family. Oh and Bruce is so “horrible”, but Jessica can’t even remember to call Lila’s parents and tell them she’s in the hospital!

So Lila does wake up and the first thing she sees is an angel. It turns out that her angel is actually a doctor named Porter who works in the hospital and he has to work with Lila. He makes her gourmet food, tells her that her friends (and Bruce) don’t understand her since she’s had a near death experience and she completely falls for it. She stands Bruce up and lets Porter take her home.

They’re supposed to have a few more sessions, but Porter cancels because he’s in love with Lila, but she loves him too so it’s all good. He also points out her aunt’s house, saying that it’s the kind of place he dreams of sharing with her one day. She’s so excited that she decides to move into the house with him because all the bad memories she has of the house won’t matter as long as he’s there.

Porter gives her a locket and offers to put all her aunt’s stuff in the attic so she won’t have to look at it all the time. They go shopping for housewares, Lila realizes that she lost the locket, but won’t tell him. When she finally does, it just seems to be the start of her odd actions, which Porter thinks were caused by her accident.

Lila’s not the only one with problems. Jessica shows up at the dorm room at 3 in the morning with a group of guys and gets pissed off when Liz won’t let her have a gang bang…er, poker game in the room. Seriously Jess, do you really think 4 college athletes want poker? Liz decides to implement new rules, which includes no guys after 11. I think Liz should have gone to an all girls school.

When the earthquake struck, Tom’s room was completely trashed and he has to stay somewhere else so Liz offers their room. I love how it’s the school’s fault for not making the building earthquake proof, but they don’t offer to help the students at all. Anyway, Jess throws a hissy fit because she doesn’t want Tom around and acts like a spoiled brat.

She throws him in the floor when he’s sleeping on the couch, steps all over his stuff and then tells him that he isn’t allowed to stay there. She also puts hair gel in his toothpaste container and he gets back at her by putting green hair dye in her shampoo bottle. After a few more pranks, she decides to make Tom think she’s in love with him.

Jessica basically throws herself at Tom, which is a little too creepy. She rubs up against him while wearing a silk nightgown, gives him back rubs, does his laundry and models clothes for him. She then convinces him that it’s time to tell Liz the truth. Just when he’s about to snap, she tells Liz that she has a great boyfriend and laughs about the whole thing. Yeah, she’s totally NOT a sociopath.

Porter hires some hot little woman to act as their maid and cook, but Nancy actually hates Lila and keeps throwing herself at Porter. The Lila we know and love is completely missing because Porter makes her think she’s losing her mind. He tells her that they’re going to the ballet, but then makes her think that he already told her and she forgot. She keeps hearing weird noises in the attic and Porter discovers that she stole pills from his room. Yes, they live together and have separate bedrooms.

The caper comes when Porter turns down an invitation to the Theta dinner, which is apparently a big deal. Lila demands they go, but freaks out when she sees Bruce there. He tells her that he misses her and still loves her, but just when they get close, Porter notices his watch missing. He finds it in Lila’s purse and demands they leave the party.

Bruce starts investigating Porter and enlists Liz’s help. They don’t find anything, but decide to stop by and see Lila. Nancy won’t let them past the front door and when she does the same thing to Jessica, everyone gets suspicious. Bruce then finds a connection between Porter and Lila’s uncle’s former partner. He goes back to the house, but Nancy still won’t let him in.

Basically Porter is the former partner and he thinks her uncle stole an idea from him so he wants the pink diamond as payment. He put all the stuff in the attic so he could sneak around and search in private and made Lila think she was crazy. He finds the diamond and then tries to kill Lila.

Bruce shows up in the nick of time and saves Lila. He ties up Porter and goes for help, but Porter tries to make Lila think he was just testing her. She’s suddenly back to her old self and refuses to believe him. The cops show up and everyone lives happily ever after.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Sweet Valley University #17: Deadly Attraction



Liz comes home and throws a stack of pictures at her sister, barely noticing that she’s crying her eyes out. Jess finds that all the pictures show her and Louis wrapped up together and accuses Liz of spying on them. Liz explains that the dean of students gave them to her and told her to leave the points shaving story alone or he’ll release the pictures. Liz then gives into her sister yet again and lets her cry about Louis being married. I guess you should know someone more than 2 days before falling in love. Try it sometime Jess and see how it works!

Lila and Bruce both find out that their credit cards are maxed out or canceled, but don’t tell the other one. They decide to go home and spend some time with their parents and both are afraid to tell the other one that they don’t want to leave or live together anymore.

Louis catches up to Jessica on campus and tells her about his wife Chloe. Basically she was a loner, they got married and then he found out she was a psycho. Shouldn’t he be a little more cautious about falling in love? Chloe killed two of his friends and he’s been on the run ever since.

You’d think he’d pick a different job if he’s hiding from her, since college professor isn’t the most inconspicuous job, especially when he doesn’t stray too far from the west coast. Apparently Chloe also ran off when he filed for divorce and periodically pops up to ruin his life, which explains why he’s still married. Yeah, I’m pretty sure he can get a divorce, even if she doesn’t want it to happen.

Louis tells Jessica that he’s going on the run again and she decides to go with him. Liz shows up and tries to change her mind, but eventually realizes that it’s the right thing to do. It will keep Jessica safe until the story’s done and also keep her away from Chloe. Jessica tells him that he’s all she wants, which would be kind of sweet if she hadn’t already fallen in love with a dozen guys this semester alone.

Liz then gets kidnapped by Chloe, who thinks she’s Jessica, but lets her go with a warning to her twin. She runs to Todd and they borrow Bruce’s apartment by letting him think they’re back together, not knowing that Gin-Yung saw the whole thing. Liz gets chased by some bad guys and ends up being rescued by Gin and she tells her the truth about what’s going on.

Winston sucks at ROTC and it doesn’t help that Denise joins and becomes the model recruit. She has a small crush on their lieutenant, who makes her work with Winston. He also invites her to some big party. She makes rude comments that Winston overhears, but doesn’t feel guilty. Then she goes to the party, sees the lieutenant call him a bunch of names and suddenly decides that she loves Winston again.

The book then divides into two big storylines: Jessica and Liz. Liz finds out that the bad guys paid Craig to take a dive, Craig being the wrestler in the center of a big deal event in Las Vegas. She introduces him to Darryl and Darryl tells him that it’s not worth it to give in just because of what they say they can do. It turns out that Craig took steroids and the guys threatened to make it public, just as his dad runs for office.

They call in the FBI and major government offices, promising proof of the points shaving. Darryl plans on going on camera, but then backs out and sides with the officials. Liz learns that his little sister was threatened if he turned on them. Tom hears the whole thing and just before his big interview with Craig, he tells him what happened. Craig confesses everything on camera and the officials arrest a bunch of people. I love how there’s no evidence, but somehow everyone buys it.

Jessica and Louis stay in a bunch of small hotels and cabins and one night he tells her that he wishes they could have a perfect day. She decides to make it happen and keeps his mind off his murderous wife. They get in the car at the end of the day and discover that she broke in and stole some stuff, which sets them off again.

They end up at an old farmhouse, but Louis wakes up in the middle of the night and smells Chloe’s perfume. He follows her outside before realizing that she’s still inside with Jessica and the house is on fire. He manages to get inside and get her out, just as the police arrive and the house explodes. They assure him that she died in the fire, but then she shows up at the hospital. Louis goes with her and decides to kill them both, rather than risk Jessica’s life again. He drives the car over a cliff.

Jessica wakes up in the hospital, with a fuzzy memory of hearing Louis talk to her before he left and telling her that he loved her. She finds out he died to save her life (moron, she’s not worth it) and the book ends with Liz and Tom taking her to his house to say goodbye. Liz tells Tom that since Louis had no next of kind, the estate will sit for seven years before being sold and only then can Jess get some memory of him. Trust me, Jess will be long over Louis by then and probably on her 400th boyfriend.

Oh and there’s a nod to the old books. Louis buys her a charm in the shape of a unicorn because he loves hearing about her days in the unicorn club. Too bad they keep screwing up the rest of the continuity!