Monday, August 30, 2010

Sweet Valley University Thriller Edition: The House of Death

Lila Fowler has an aunt Katherine, who was never mentioned before and is never mentioned again. She owned a huge house in Sweet Valley, but was murdered there. Lila and her parents go to the reading of the will and learn that she left her huge ass pink diamond ring to Grace, but the police never found it. She left most of her estate, including her house to Lila.

Lila decides that she doesn’t want the house, but agrees to go out and look at it. She makes plans to meet Bruce, but he’s late because of a fraternity meeting, since now he’s apparently president, though he won’t be in the next book. She goes into the house by herself because she thinks she hears someone calling to her and an earthquake hits.

Bruce is helping some poor woman change a tire on her car when the earthquake hits, but she makes him go check on his girl. He arrives to find Lila pinned underneath an armoire. He gets it off her by himself, waits until the ambulance arrives and goes with her to the hospital. He sits in the waiting room with Liz and Jess, who suddenly hates him. She literally spends an entire page talking about what a terrible boyfriend he is and how she wishes Lila would find someone else.

The doctors tell them that Lila is in a coma and they don’t know if she’ll wake up, which is funny because a few pages earlier, they say they can’t tell them anything because they aren’t family. Oh and Bruce is so “horrible”, but Jessica can’t even remember to call Lila’s parents and tell them she’s in the hospital!

So Lila does wake up and the first thing she sees is an angel. It turns out that her angel is actually a doctor named Porter who works in the hospital and he has to work with Lila. He makes her gourmet food, tells her that her friends (and Bruce) don’t understand her since she’s had a near death experience and she completely falls for it. She stands Bruce up and lets Porter take her home.

They’re supposed to have a few more sessions, but Porter cancels because he’s in love with Lila, but she loves him too so it’s all good. He also points out her aunt’s house, saying that it’s the kind of place he dreams of sharing with her one day. She’s so excited that she decides to move into the house with him because all the bad memories she has of the house won’t matter as long as he’s there.

Porter gives her a locket and offers to put all her aunt’s stuff in the attic so she won’t have to look at it all the time. They go shopping for housewares, Lila realizes that she lost the locket, but won’t tell him. When she finally does, it just seems to be the start of her odd actions, which Porter thinks were caused by her accident.

Lila’s not the only one with problems. Jessica shows up at the dorm room at 3 in the morning with a group of guys and gets pissed off when Liz won’t let her have a gang bang…er, poker game in the room. Seriously Jess, do you really think 4 college athletes want poker? Liz decides to implement new rules, which includes no guys after 11. I think Liz should have gone to an all girls school.

When the earthquake struck, Tom’s room was completely trashed and he has to stay somewhere else so Liz offers their room. I love how it’s the school’s fault for not making the building earthquake proof, but they don’t offer to help the students at all. Anyway, Jess throws a hissy fit because she doesn’t want Tom around and acts like a spoiled brat.

She throws him in the floor when he’s sleeping on the couch, steps all over his stuff and then tells him that he isn’t allowed to stay there. She also puts hair gel in his toothpaste container and he gets back at her by putting green hair dye in her shampoo bottle. After a few more pranks, she decides to make Tom think she’s in love with him.

Jessica basically throws herself at Tom, which is a little too creepy. She rubs up against him while wearing a silk nightgown, gives him back rubs, does his laundry and models clothes for him. She then convinces him that it’s time to tell Liz the truth. Just when he’s about to snap, she tells Liz that she has a great boyfriend and laughs about the whole thing. Yeah, she’s totally NOT a sociopath.

Porter hires some hot little woman to act as their maid and cook, but Nancy actually hates Lila and keeps throwing herself at Porter. The Lila we know and love is completely missing because Porter makes her think she’s losing her mind. He tells her that they’re going to the ballet, but then makes her think that he already told her and she forgot. She keeps hearing weird noises in the attic and Porter discovers that she stole pills from his room. Yes, they live together and have separate bedrooms.

The caper comes when Porter turns down an invitation to the Theta dinner, which is apparently a big deal. Lila demands they go, but freaks out when she sees Bruce there. He tells her that he misses her and still loves her, but just when they get close, Porter notices his watch missing. He finds it in Lila’s purse and demands they leave the party.

Bruce starts investigating Porter and enlists Liz’s help. They don’t find anything, but decide to stop by and see Lila. Nancy won’t let them past the front door and when she does the same thing to Jessica, everyone gets suspicious. Bruce then finds a connection between Porter and Lila’s uncle’s former partner. He goes back to the house, but Nancy still won’t let him in.

Basically Porter is the former partner and he thinks her uncle stole an idea from him so he wants the pink diamond as payment. He put all the stuff in the attic so he could sneak around and search in private and made Lila think she was crazy. He finds the diamond and then tries to kill Lila.

Bruce shows up in the nick of time and saves Lila. He ties up Porter and goes for help, but Porter tries to make Lila think he was just testing her. She’s suddenly back to her old self and refuses to believe him. The cops show up and everyone lives happily ever after.


  1. Lila is seriously looking like Lisa-Marie Presley on the cover of this book...

  2. long is this book set after Deadly Attraction? Because in that book the 'love of Jessica's life' died but now she's hanging out with players and cock-teasing her twin's boyfriend for a laugh. I mean, I know this is Jess we're talking about, but still...