Sweet Valley Twins #90: The Cousin War

The Wakefield twins are super excited because their cousin Robin is coming from San Diego for a two-week vacation while her parents go to France. Jessica can’t wait because the annual Sadie Hawkins’ dance is coming up and it’s the perfect excuse for Robin to get a boyfriend. Jessica has a crush on an Argentinian exchange student named Juan, who is staying with Aaron Dallas. Even though Aaron is kind of her boyfriend, she decides not to tell him about her crush. Jessica tells Robin about her crush, but Elizabeth doesn’t want to talk about Todd. She’s worried that she’ll jinx herself by mentioning his name before she asks him to the dance.

From the moment that Juan meets Robin, he’s smitten with her. Jessica notices it and naturally doesn’t like it. Aaron notices her crush and doesn’t like that either. Everyone plans on meeting up at the bowling alley after school and Jessica thinks it’s her perfect chance to get together with Juan. While working on an all-sports edition of the newspaper, the computer crashes and Elizabeth is stuck putting it back together. She asks Todd to go to the bowling alley and be nice to Robin because she doesn’t know many people in Sweet Valley. Does anyone not see where this is going?

Jessica rushes off to dry hump Juan or whatever it is that sixth graders do, while Robin bowls with Mandy Miller. Todd joins them at the next alley, introduces himself to Robin and spends the whole afternoon talking to her. Robin decides that she likes him and tells her cousins that she met the perfect guy. She won’t tell them his name, but she does drop some hints. Jessica becomes convinced that it’s Juan because she can’t think of a single brown eyed, handsome, athletic guy that has a one-syllable name. Sigh, I hate you Sweet Valley Confidential.

Jessica goes to Steven for advice who basically tells her that she has two options: find a new date or tell Robin how she feels. She decides to opt for option C, which is lie her ass off. When Robin finally tells her that she has a crush on Todd, she lies and says that he doesn’t have a girlfriend and doesn’t like anyone. Someone leaves Robin a note on her locker and she convinces herself that it was Todd. He also leaves her a box of her favorite candy and later a necklace.

This all leads up to Todd and Elizabeth meeting for ice cream. Robin goes to meet him, planning to ask him to the dance. She sees Elizabeth feeding him ice cream and runs off in tears. She rants to Jessica about Elizabeth stealing her boyfriend and refuses to speak to her. Jessica dresses up like her twin and goes to Todd. She tells him that she can’t make it to the dance because of the newspaper and she wants him to go with Robin. Then she convinces Robin to ask Todd to the dance. Robin does and he agrees, but the real Elizabeth overhears and storms off in anger.

Elizabeth won’t talk to Todd and he has no idea why. Jessica asks Juan to the dance and he tells her that he likes her cousin. She tells him that she already has a date, so he agrees to go with her. Todd gets Robin alone, tells her that Elizabeth is his girlfriend and that he can’t really go with her because it wouldn’t feel right. Robin feels like crap, but decides not to say anything.

Everyone lets Jessica go off to the dance. Robin calls Todd and invites him over to the house. She sets them down and explains what happened. Elizabeth realizes that her twin screwed her over yet again and dresses up in the same outfit that Jessica wore. She goes to the dance, gets Juan alone and tells him that she knows he really wanted to come with Robin.

Juan rushes off to dance with Robin and Elizabeth dances with Todd. Aaron confesses to Jessica that he helped Juan write the love letters to Robin and that he didn’t want her to go to the dance with anyone else. She feels slightly bad, but only because she realizes how cute he looks. The book ends with the three girls staying up late gossiping and talking about how much fun they had. So basically, Jessica gets off the hook again.

*Why do all of these YA books feature someone going to a different school for a week or two? Robin goes to class every day, even though she’s only in town for two weeks. Does any school even allow this?

*Am I the only one that thinks the ghostwriters forgot Kelly’s name, so they decided to name her Robin? In SVH, the twins have a lookalike cousin named Kelly, but in SVT the lookalike is Robin. I don’t think either one is ever mentioned in the other series.

*Lila hates bowling and a few other characters mention the bowling alley being lame. Yet in the Elizabeth’s First Kiss book, the bowling alley just opened and everyone is excited about it. Here, it’s an outdated bowling alley that’s never been updated.

*Robin mentions that Jessica wore a red dress, but Elizabeth puts on a green dress. Then they mention that Jessica is wearing a green dress. Can we not even retain continuity between three pages?

Jessica Wakefield is a Mother??

I don't know if any of you are staying up to date with the world of Sweet Valley, but I came across something today that made me stop in my tracks. Pascal is going ahead with her plan to release six short serial books set after the horrible events in Sweet Valley Confidential. The first in the series The Sweet Life #1 comes out in May.

According to the short synopsis available online, the books pick up three years after Sweet Valley Confidential ended. Liz is now an ace reporter (natch), Jessica is a huge success in the PR world (of course), and naturally the twins are now best friends again. The synopsis says something to the effect that Jessica does not find motherhood as easy as she thought.

Are you kidding me with this crap? Is Pascal writing stuff because she wants to see our heads expose? Look, we all expected something completely different from Sweet Valley Confidential. I know that a lot of us thought if she actually did the serials, she would try to make up for that. Now I'm thinking that she decided to write a new book and figured, "what the heck? I'll just make the two main characters twins and pretend that this is about Jessica and Elizabeth."

Everything we loved about the original books was lacking from Sweet Valley Confidential, including the facts of the books. I'm not going to go off on another tangent about everything she got wrong again. But, we grew up with those characters. Seeing them become adults in The Sweet Life #1 is kind of icky. Do we really need to hear Jessica whine about how she has stretchmarks, Todd doesn't want to have sex with her anymore, and she's tired of lactating?

Plus, does anyone really see Jessica as a mother? This is the girl that hated kids, never took responsibility for anything, and lied repeatedly. Then again, she did marry the guy she framed for date rape as a teenager! I guess he knew what he was getting into with her. I wish that Pascal let one of her long-term ghostwriters work on Sweet Valley Confidential, or better yet, released a completely snarky version of the twins as adults.

I can't be the only person that wanted to see Jessica moping around, trying to make it as a star in Hollywood or Liz struggling as a screenwriter. I wanted some crazy story where werewolves burst onto the movie set, took Jess hostage, and Liz had to impersonate her. Then a vampire attacked the werewolf and the werewolf turned out to be Sam Woodruff in disguise. Then Lila and Bruce swept into town on their private jet and threw a reunion pool party at SVH where Roger announced that he was marrying Olivia, who came back from the dead.

*Sigh*

Friends Forever #12: Claudia and the Disaster Date

Claudia and Alan Gray finally go out on a date. She actually has fun with him, but keeps looking around because she thinks someone might see them together. He brings her napkins for her popcorn so she won’t mess up her jeans, and acts really thoughtful. She won’t let him walk her home though because she’s worried the other members of the BSC might see them.

They ask her a bunch of questions about where she was and she keeps changing the subject. After the meeting, she admits to Stacey that she went out with Alan. It doesn’t help that Kristy keeps bringing up new stories about stupid stuff he did in the past.

Claudia took a job working at the library with Erica. She asks her mom about possibly updating the mural in the children’s room and her mom blows her off. She then mentions it to the head of the children’s department, who thinks that it is a great idea and lets her do it. The event turns into a disaster. The librarian lets the kids get involved, and they go crazy throwing paint everywhere. Her mom interrupts the event and helps them clean up. Then she tells Claudia that she was hired for one job and the mural is on hold.

Alan and Kristy both come into the library at the same time. They get into a fight over Claudia and Alan leaves. Kristy throws a fit at the meeting, and Claudia admits that they are dating. Kristy gets even more pissed off, until Dawn points out that she dated him too. Since everyone keeps talking about his bad points, Claudia starts second guessing herself.

When they go out again, she feels uncomfortable. She can’t figure out what to say to him and just feels awkward. Alan picks up on it, but pretends like he doesn’t notice. Claudia decides that the best way to make everyone get along is with a group date. Alan brings Pete, Cary and a few other guys. Cary puts everyone into twosomes to hit the miniature golf course and pairs Alan with Kristy. Kristy keeps trying to get him to do something stupid, but he acts normal. That pisses her off even more because she doesn’t want to be wrong.

Alan comes back to the library and she takes him downstairs to the old part of the library. Alan starts to make a joke, but changes his mind at the last second. Claudia encourages him to act like he did before, but he’s worried that she won’t like him anymore. She tells him that he just needs to find a balance between the old Alan and the new Alan.

At the end of the book, Claudia and Alan invite all of their friends over to a picnic at her house. Everyone brings something to share and they have fun together. Alan lets some of his dorky/funny side out and they all seem to like him. Alan tells her that while he likes dating the BSC, he really wants just Claudia to be his girlfriend. She calls him her boyfriend and they walk off holding hands.

*Dawn is back and it’s summer time because they mention that most of their clients are on vacation. Yet the next book takes place on Graduation Day and Claudia has yet to go on a date with Alan.

*A lot of people say that Mrs. Kishi is a bitch in this book, but I see her point. Claudia is supposed to do stuff in the children’s room like filing and arranging books. She goes behind her mom’s back to get permission to update the mural, and then makes a huge mess. The library probably had money in the budget to get help for the children’s room, but not to update the mural. The mural is probably the last thing on her mind with all the kids coming in for books in the summer.

*Claudia passes out chips, mixed nuts and cheese filled pretzels. Dawn grudgingly eats the pretzels, but claims they are still junk food. Stacey eats the pretzels too, but given how strict her diet is supposed to be, that doesn’t seem like a healthy choice.

*Claudia wears blue socks folded down over tennis shoes and a tie dyed shirt. Sometimes I wonder if she is color blind?

*Does anyone else think it’s weird that Kristy went to dances and parties with Alan in the early books, but hated him with a passion in the later books?

*Kristy is such a brat in this book! She keeps arguing that Alan is a horrible person and won’t listen to anyone when they try to change her mind.

Goosebumps #54: Don’t go to Sleep! (R.L. Stine)

All Matt really wants is a little freedom from his family. His older siblings Pam and Greg make fun of him all the time, ignore him when they’re supposed to take care of him, and get him into trouble. He also wants a bigger bedroom because his bedroom is too small for all of his stuff, but his mom claims they need the guest room for his grandparents’ once a year visits.

The final straw comes when his brother throws the family dog (who he hates) on his chest and his brother sticks him with making dinner. After everyone goes to sleep, Matt sneaks into the guest room and falls asleep. He wakes the next day with enormous feet and finds that he became a teenager. When he runs downstairs, he discovers that Pam and Greg are now younger than him and he has to attend high school.

The classes are harder, no one likes him, and guys in black keep following him around. He tries explaining what happened to his teachers, but they think he read too much science fiction. He runs into a younger girl named Lacie, but she is the only nice person he sees all day.

The next day Matt wakes up to no siblings and parents he never saw before, plus a pet cat. He is back in a younger body, but his dad drops him off at a new junior high. He runs into Lacie, who doesn’t recognize him from before, but she still helps him escape the men in black.

Every time Matt falls asleep, he wakes up in a completely different body. One day he becomes a chubby boy, the next day he’s a young boy, etc. He even wakes up in the body of a circus performer-lion tamer with six brothers and sisters. After waking up in an old man’s body, he forces himself to fall asleep and wakes up as a monster. He runs through town and Lacie helps him escape, only to lead him to the men in black. They let him sleep and he wakes up the next day as a human.

Lacie and the guys explain that they are the reality police. The guest room of his house was a hole in reality and when he fell asleep there, he slipped into another reality. There is no way of bringing him back, so they plan on putting him to sleep permanently. He keeps jumping into bodies of real people and they can’t have him disrupting the lives of others.

Matt manages to escape and runs home, but no one recognizes him. He decides that if he goes to sleep in his own bed, then it will fix everything. Since he can’t get inside, he falls asleep and wakes up as a squirrel. He runs inside, but his sister catches him and sticks him in a cage. He escapes, runs into his room and falls asleep.

Matt wakes up in his regular body the next day and gleefully kisses Pam, Greg and his mom. His mom announces that she has a little surprise for him. Since he’s getting older and needs more room, she cleared out the guest room for him…

13 Tales of Horror: “House of Horrors” by J.B. Stamper (Point Horror)

Mark works in a wax museum/attraction called the House of Horrors, even though he is secretly afraid of the figures. His crush Lisa spots him after the last group goes through and tells him that they are throwing an after hours party. Mark sticks around and runs into his co-worker Elliott. Elliott warns him that the boss is coming, so he hides in the museum.

Mark hears everyone leave for the night and sees the lights go out. Still thinking that the party is coming up, he hides out. It takes him far too long to realize that he is on the only left there. He runs through the museum, freaking out because he keeps thinking that he hears someone. Suddenly, a shadow falls over him. He trips, falls on a couch and screams in horror.

The next day, Lisa arrives at work, laughing to herself over how stupid Mark is for thinking they were throwing a party. She pauses, seeing one of the figures in a new position, standing over the couch. When she gets closer, she realizes that the figure on the couch looks just like Mark, but when she touches its face, it feels cool.

Sweet Valley Twins #58: Elizabeth and the Orphans

Mrs. Arnett divides the class up for a special project on families. Each student has to do a report on their partner’s family. Jessica gets paired with Lila and Elizabeth gets paired with Melissa McCormick, a girl rarely ever mentioned before. Melissa tells her that her project should be easy since it’s just her, her older brother Andy and her mom.

When she gets home that night, she finds her mom laying on the couch and coughing. Her mom has heart problems and been in and out of the hospital for years. We also learn that their parents separated years ago, but apparently never got divorced. They haven’t heard from their dad even once since he skipped out and Andy hates him.

The principal calls Melissa into his office and tells her that her mom had a heart attack. He rushes her to the hospital, where they meet Andy and his principal. They get to see their mom in her room, but she acts really down and defeated. She makes them promise that they will always look out for each other. A few minutes after leaving her room, the doctors call a special code, rush inside and do everything they can, but their mom still dies.

Social service shows up on their doorstep the next day because a nurse contacted them. Their neighbor, Mrs. Franco, offers to take them in until they can reach their dad. Andy lies, telling her that he is in Europe, but he should be back any day. Their neighbors are leaving on a trip for Europe and the wife decides that she should call social services before leaving.

Andy pays one of his old basketball buddies $50 to call and pretend that he is their dad. Sam calls Mrs. Franco, promises that he’s on his way into town and she leaves happily. Andy claims that between their mom’s bank account and the cash around the house, they have more than enough to last for a few months. Money runs out pretty fast and he quits the basketball team so he can get a part-time job.

Melissa wants to work too, but he won’t let her. She stays at home, cleaning the house and cooking dinner for him, which she burns. Andy starts skipping school and the principal schedules a phone meeting with his “dad”. Sam comes over, answers the phone and leaves, saying Andy owes him a future favor.

The pressure of lying to everyone keeps grating on Melissa and she finally breaks down to Elizabeth because Sweet Valley has no other helpers. Elizabeth helps by cleaning the house, cooking dinner and talking to her. They clean Mrs. McCormick’s bedroom and find a stash of letters under the bed. Melissa learns that her dad kept writing and sending money, but she always sent the money back.

Melissa tries talking to Andy, but he doesn’t care. He claims that their dad made up the stories on paper because he never showed up or gave them money in person. Melissa goes back to acting like a doormat, until she sees three guys in black sneaking around the neighbor’s house. She calls the police and when they get there, she discovers that one of the guys was Andy.

Melissa calls Elizabeth, who asks her dad for help. Ned posts his bond and gets him out of jail, but both kids get foster care. Elizabeth mopes over what to do for days and finally sends a letter to their dad at his last known address. Melissa and Andy meet at their house with their social workers to pick up some stuff. Mr. McCormick shows up at the last possible minute, rescuing the kids from foster care.

Jessica and Steven spend the whole book fighting over completely stupid crap. She thinks he spends too much time on the phone with his new girlfriend. She makes a phone schedule and he won’t follow it, but it is unfair. They fight over food, the couch and who gets to throw a pool party. When they find out what happened to Melissa and Andy, they make up and throw one huge party for all their friends.

Sweet Valley High #41: Outcast

Molly Hecht is an outcast and they should run her out of Sweet Valley. Everyone blames her for Regina Morrow’s death because she had the party where she died. They are more than filling to forget that (a) Justin took her to the party and (b) she only went because Bruce cheated with Amy. Hell, Bruce and Amy even go to the funeral together. Of course, they look like crap, but Liz makes them feel better by telling them that Regina forgave them.

No one trusts or likes Molly anymore and generally makes her feel like crap about herself. No one talks to her and they all ignore her at school. Justin shoots her down, so she tries talking to Liz. Liz basically tells her that she loved Regina and wants nothing to do with her. Then she makes the mistake of going to the cemetery and running into Nicholas, who makes her feel even worse.

When she gets home, her parents lecture her constantly. She suggests moving to San Francisco with her dad and he tells her that her punishment is going to school every day and taking what everyone dishes out because she deserves it. Nice parenting, right? She sneaks out of the house and runs into Buzz. He is a wanted man, but he makes her feel better.

Buzz realizes that Molly holds the key to his escape. He sucks up to her, making her feel like she is a great person. He plies her with beer and pot before telling her that he cares about her and thinks she is his soulmate. Then he reveals that he is leaving town and asks her to go with him. Molly offers to clean out her savings account and go with him.

Jessica decides that she should do something for Regina. She decides on a scholarship fund for needy girls and gets the PBA involved. Just as she freaks out about money and handling the actual fund, Ned offers to take over the project and handle the money and finances. Basically, Jess just gets to take the credit without doing any of the dirty work.

Nicholas shows up on their doorstep the next morning and she tells him about the fund. They share a moment and Jess starts crushing on him again, but then Liz shows up and he forgets about her. He drives Liz to school and tells her what happened with Molly. He wants Liz to apologize for him because he feels bad. Liz realizes how hard things are for Molly.

Liz talks to Justin, who refuses to listen to her because he hates Molly and blames her. She follows Molly to the bank and sees her taking out a few thousand dollars. Molly refuses to talk to Liz and runs away. So, Liz goes to Justin that night and tells him what she saw. They somehow track Molly down and follow her to her meeting spot. Justin recognizes Buzz, drops Liz off to call the cops and follows their car.

Somehow he manages to force their car off the side of the road. He apologizes to Molly and begs her not to leave. The cops arrive and arrest Buzz. I’m not sure exactly what they arrest him for. By the time they got to the party, he was long gone. Anyway, Molly safely goes home with Liz and Jeffery, who shows up at the scene.

Molly comes to school the next day and thanks Liz. For what exactly? Being a huge bitch to her? Or changing her mind at the last second? She announces that she is serious about school not, has stopped drinking and drugs and wants to be a better person. Mr. Collins even offers to put her up for the scholarship next year and Liz thinks the Morrow family would really like that.

There is also a scene where Liz writes the story about the fund for the paper. Mr. Collins arrives and lectures her, Olivia, Penny and Jessica about not blaming people. Jessica still wants to blame Molly, but eventually realizes that things cannot be easy for her either.