Friday, February 6, 2015

Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #2: BIG for Christmas


It's Christmastime in Sweet Valley, which can only mean one thing: it's time to ripoff a Tom Hanks' movie!

As I mentioned, it's Christmastime in Sweet Valley. The twins just finished up their last exams and can't wait to have some fun. For Elizabeth, this means talking to Amy about all the books they want to read. Amy moans about how books for their age group are oh-so-boring and how she wants to be older. Liz decides that she'll get her a new and exciting book as a gift.

Jessica is at a Unicorn Club meeting when Janet Howell flips out. She thinks the girls slacked off recently and that they don't look as good as they should. Her and her brother Joe decided to hold a joint Christmas party, and she doesn't want the members showing up looking like middle school kids at a party with high school students. Janet praises Lila and Mandy before calling out Jessica for looking like a ragamuffin.

When she gets home, she digs through her closet and realizes that she has nothing to wear. Surprisingly enough, Elizabeth actually agrees that she wants to look older for this party. It doesn't help when they meet this cute older boy named Tim. His aunt works for the company that publishes the Amanda Howard mystery series. He encourages Liz to write his aunt and asks Jessica to save a dance for him.

Jessica goes to the mall and has a bad day. She asks for a makeover at the makeup counter, and some woman snaps at her before whining about kids running loose and parents treating the store like a daycare center. All the clothes look like stuff made for little girls. She goes to the petite department, and everything is way too big.

Liz goes to the mall and has troubles finding a book for Amy. The salesperson first tries to force her to buy a kiddie book before sending her to the adult section. She finally picks out a book, but when it costs $60+, she has to walk away. The saleslady bitches and moans about how she's so tired of little kids trying to buy stuff from her.

The Christmas Carnival comes to town, and Steven acts like he's way too grown up to go. Actually, he acts like that throughout the book. He talks down to the twins, begs them to leave him alone, and even bribes Liz to skip the party and stay home. The twins go and meet a mysterious roasted nut seller who tells them that he hopes they have a memorable holiday.

Lila gets to go to Los Angeles to pick out a new outfit, and Jessica goes with her. She comes home with a ton of new outfits with sequins and all that jazz. It turns out that she couldn't afford anything in the designer stores and that the outlet mall had all crap, but that she found a yard sale on the way home. The women was tiny and petite, and when she couldn't find cool clothing, she just made her own.

Ned and Steven are at the store when they run into Mr. Howell. He tells them that both middle school and high school students will be at the party. Ned flips out because he for some reason assumed that Steven and Joe were just going to help clean up. Steven uses this as his excuse to talk about high school students going wild and how big the party will be.

Meanwhile, Alice comes across the twins in their new fancy clothing. She tells them that unless it's a costume party that their outfits aren't appropriate. When she tells them to wear their old clothing, they tell her that high schoolers will be there. Ned shows up just as they fight, and the two decide that the twins can't go to the party.

After pouting and watching Steven leave, Jessica convinces her twin to sneak out of the house. Just as they're about to leave, Ned and Alice pop up and decide to take them to the carnival. They spend the whole night making out, acting like teenagers, and ignoring the girls. The twins find the roasted nut dealer again and he tells them to make a wish in a fountain. They both wish they were grown up.

Elizabeth wakes up the next day and realizes that her nightgown got smaller. She thinks it's just a growth spurt until she sees an "older lady" in the bathroom. Both she and the lady scream at each other and run away until they realize that they're the twins. Looks like their wishes came true!

Alice comes to check on them, thinks that Jessica sounds funny, and offers to check on her. When she goes away, Jessica sneaks into her room and steals some clothes. Alice interrupts her, so she runs outside and causes a distraction that lets Liz get dressed and escape. Jessica thinks that it's the coolest thing ever, while Liz worries about what will happen to them.

Since this is a completely unbelievable book, they wander onto a job site and hear that the delivery company is missing a driver. Jessica convinces him to let them have a bunch of free doughnuts before giving them a job. She says that someone stole both their purses on the bus and that they have no proof of their identities, but the man just hands them the keys.

Neither can drive, they make no deliveries, and they end up leaving the truck in the middle of the road when it breaks down. Steven sees Liz and recognizes her as the woman he saw running away from their house. He confronts her, Jessica turns up, and he realizes that their his sisters. Even though he freaks out, he agrees to help them hide out in a never before or since mentioned room above the garage.

They need money, and a temp agency in town offers a sign on bonus. The agency hires them both despite having no proof of who they are. Jessica gets stuck with a cute guy on the bus. She lies and says she's a model, but it turns out that he's a photographer working for the same fashion house that just hired her as a temp. Jessica does a bunch of jobs horribly before getting put in a filing room by herself.

This causes her to sketch a bunch of designs for new clothing. The head of the fashion house walks by talking about how their line keeps doing badly. Jessica flips out about his crappy clothing, shows him her designs, and he naturally loves them. He hires her on the spot as his new designer and asks her to stay with the company to see the line come to fruition.

Elizabeth lands a job at a publishing house. She does slightly better than Jessica but not by much. At a meeting, they start talking about how the sales of kids' books are down. She goes off on them about how boring their stories are and suggests a series called Sweet Valley Twins about two sisters who are completely different. She gets promoted and put in charge of the series.

Though both girls are happy, they also miss being kids. Things get even worse when they see their parents crying because they miss them so much. Steven freaks out about how much pain they caused their parents before admitting that he misses them too. They all decide to go back to the carnival and make a new wish.

When they find that the carnival left, they get on a bus and go to its new location. It's closed for the night, but they convince someone to let them in. They find the little old lady who made the clothes with her husband, who is the nut roaster. He tells them to make another wish and see what happens, but they remain big.

On the way back to Sweet Valley, all three fall asleep. Steven wakes up first, and when the twins wake up, they're back to their normal size. The bus driver is a little worried because he swore Steven got on with two older gals. They rush home, and Ned welcomes them with open arms. Even though they were missing for days, he punishes them with an old-fashioned Christmas.

*Jessica's horrible outfit at the beginning? Jeans, sneakers and a purple tee shirt with a unicorn on the front. If dressing like that makes you look like a kid, Janet would hate me.

*The woman in the bookstore is a real bitch. If you know that kids don't have a lot of money, why would you show them such expensive books?

*The whole Ned/Alice carnival thing is weird. They hold hands all night, share a milkshake with two straws, and constantly kiss and giggle. Except for a few minutes too, they make the twins walk with them. Why not just leave them at home?

*The high school/middle school party is a little weird too. Janet's parents are fine with it, but would you be okay with your sixth, seventh, and eighth grade kids hanging out with high school juniors and seniors?

*This book is so ridiculous that I told my roommate about some of it, and he begged me to tell him it was all a dream. Nope.

*Way to be parents, Ned and Alice. They at first assume that the girls got up early and took off, but they do eventually call the cops. They spend the rest of the book just sitting around and looking depressed while Steven runs around town.

*The party is a little crappy. A bunch of people ask about the twins, and he has such a bad time and feels so guilty that he actually leaves early so he can spend some time with them.

*This one has the twins as "adults" on the inside cover. They pretty much look like they do in SVH. I do want to point out that Elizabeth describes her nightgown as being ankle length, and it's on her knees on the cover.

*Jessica is concerned that she looks fat. She tells Liz that she sometimes worries that all the crap she eats now will make her fat later. I want to punch her.

*The scene in Alice's bedroom is straight out of Big.

*When she has to pick clothing from her mom, Jessica chooses black heels and a black jumpsuit. That is so perfect for running around town during the day. Liz chooses a sensible blue suit. Does Alice not own jeans?

*What's up with this room over the garage? It even has its own separate entrance, which Steven uses to sneak the twins up sleeping bags, food, and clothes. They could have let Cara live there instead of shipping her off to London!

*Jessica gets a little embarrassed and so does Liz about the size of their chests. Given how flat they look on the inside cover, I'm not sure why they were embarrassed.

*I love that the store that wouldn't give her a makeover is the same store that later hires her to work at the makeup counter as a sixth grader.

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