The Unicorn Club #22: Jessica's Dream Date

The Unicorn Club and all the rest of Sweet Valley is all atwitter because Johnny Buck is coming back to town. This time he's coming to do a fundraising concert for the pediatric hospital, which is apparently the leader in children's cancer treatments, which is something you'd think we would have heard before. A local talk show held a contest and let everyone send in postcards. One winner will get the chance to meet Buck and show him around town.

Lila absolutely cannot stop bragging because her dad got the whole club VIP passes for the club. She literally will not shut up about it and acts like it's the most important thing in the history of the world. That's why she's less than happy when Johnny appears on the show, draws a name, and announces that Jessica is the winner. Everyone goes apeshit about how she's the luckiest girl in the world.

The next day, the club confronts her and tells her that it wasn't just Jessica that won, it was the whole club. They expect her to let them all tag along on the date. Lila comes up with an idea “on the spot,” which Mandy realizes is bull honky, and suggests that she bring along her new camera and film the whole date. The girl guilt trip Jessica about how future Unicorns will want to know something so cool happened to the club. She agrees to let one girl document the date and picks Mandy.

Sadly, no news is not good news. No one ever contacts Jessica to tell her that she won or win Johnny will come to her house. Lila says it's because the Wakefields are nothings. She even says that the studio probably called around, realized Jessica was a loser, and decided to cancel the concert. Jess finally tells them that no one came come along or have anything to do with her date from now on.

That all changes when Mandy films her sitting at home and waiting for someone to stop by and talk to her about the concert. A limo comes down the street, which causes the Unicorns to race out of the bushes with a banner. It's actually just Lila's limo though, which makes her feel stupid. As a few more days go by with no word, people doubt that Johnny will show through.

This causes Jessica and Steven to fight like all the time. He tells her that she already knows she won and to relax, which causes her to tell him that the studio might not know that she knows. They wind up arguing to the point where Ned and Alice step in and tell Jessica to shut up. She gets a postcard that says she won, calls and gets someone in Minneapolis, and then gets transferred to someone in Nevada. They tell her that according to contest rules in the state, all prizes must be in accordance with the advertised terms and that Johnny will be there Saturday morning.

Since she wanted Johnny to do something big, she makes a fake note from him and asks Steven to help her find someone to deliver it. They head down to the musicians' hall and find a hot guy who kind of looks like Johnny and drives a motorcycle. He agrees to bring it to her in school the next day. Everyone is in shock when he shows up because they think he's actually Johnny, but then they turn on Jessica about how it's lame he sent a lookalike in his place. She makes up a story about how he called and gets Mandy to go along with her before banning the club from meeting him.

Needless to say, the whole club shows up despite her telling them not to and beg to meet him. Lila just does her nails and says he'll never show up. Suddenly, a bunch of fancy cars and limos comes down the street. Stan Keno, his manager, comes out first, keeps talking on his cell phone, and confuses Mandy for Jess. He also takes away the camera because all footage shot of Johnny is their property.

Johnny finally steps out of the car, shakes Jessica hand, smiles at her, and then hops back inside. Stan gives Mandy back her camera and starts to leave. When Jessica points out that Johnny never even said a word, Stan makes him say something and then tells her they'll send her a copy of the picture. As they try to leave, Mandy tells him about the state contest rules, he calls a lawyer, finds out it's true, and makes Johnny stay behind.

Since she's just a kid, Jessica suggests taking Steven's new moped, which he somehow completely restored with some help from Joe Howell. Since Johnny rides motorcycles in all his videos, she thinks he can handle it no problem. He actually loses control and crashes into the wall. When Steven comes running out and demands to know what happened, Johnny sneers at him about it being a child's toy and practically throws money at him.

The Unicorns then sneak outside and try to see him, so she closes the garage door in their faces. Mandy gets rid of them, they start towards the bus stop, and Johnny keeps stopping to talk on his cell phone, so she “accidentally” runs into him and breaks his phone. Things do not go as planned at all. Johnny falls asleep on the bus, people keep making fun of him, and then he trips over his own feet. He winds up exploding on some poor kid about how he's a star and deserves better.

They head to the stable because he rides horses in his videos, but he acts like a big baby. When he tries to get on the horse, he catapults himself over the side and lands on his butt. The Unicorns once again show up, to which Mandy sends them away and tells them that Johnny feel while saving Jessica from a runaway horse. Johnny calls for a limo and says he'll drop them off on the way. Mandy threatens him with the video that shows all his mistakes, the girls play keep away with him, and he can hardly keep up because he's so out of shape. He gives in and agrees to let them go to the press conference with them, which is good because Lila's dad got the Unicorns invites and they'll all be there.

Johnny makes lovey dovey eyes at Jessica in front of the cameras and gives a big speech about how he made such a special friend in Sweet Valley. He then stops to talk to the Unicorns about how their friend is so amazing and compliments Lila about how she must be a special girl if her dad is on the hospital board. Jessica demands that they go swimming like he did in his latest video. He refuses but quickly changes his mind if they can stop by the hotel first. Johnny uses this as an excuse to try and escape but they catch him and make him go.

It turns out that he can't swim at all. He literally falls in the water and acts like he's drowning before Jessica “rescues” him and shows him that the water is only four-feet deep. Some kids don't believe he's Johnny Buck because he's so lame and point out some other guy they think is the real Johnny. The guy turns out to be Chad, the dude Jessica had deliver the message.

Chad is also Johnny's cousin and, as it turns out, his body double. He's the one who rides motorcycles, swims, and does all the other adventure stuff. Mandy wonders if Johnny can even sing, which horrifies Jessica. Johnny agrees to take them to the concert and sing with them. He sounds really awful until Chad adjusts his microphone. Stan shows up, which causes Johnny to explode on him and tell him all about the video. He sends Chad and the girls to lunch, meets them, and asks what he can do to get the tape, which is something you never ask Jessica Wakefield.

It turns out that she wants backstage passes for her family and friends and wants to record a video like the ones Johnny usually makes. She and Chad do all the stuff she wanted to do with Johnny as he turns away from the camera. They then cut it together in the editing studio, and Chad agrees to play it before the concert. Though they get stuck in traffic on the way to the stadium, a helpful motorcycle cop stops them and literally gives them a police escort. I fucking hate this town.

Though everyone is super excited, Stan shows up with some bad news. It seems as if Johnny is too sick to go on stage. All the Unicorns feel so bad for him, but Jessica bursts into tears because he probably got sick when he fell in the water, which makes it completely her fault. Chad gets her alone to tell her that Johnny is just throwing a fit like he always does and isn't really sick. Shocked, she rushes off to go back to the hotel. How she gets there with no car and all the traffic is anyone's guess.

When Johnny pretends like he really is sick, Jessica tells him all about how she's selfish just like he is. She then reveals that Stan's son had cancer a few years ago and that he's paying for the whole concert out of his own pocket. Johnny is shocked because he was once really closed to Stan's family before becoming a jackass.

Stan goes out to tell the crowd that Johnny won't make it, but Johnny then shows up and interrupts him to apologize for being late. Johnny puts on an amazing show and drags Jessica and Mandy out to sing with him as their video plays. He then gives a little speech about how Jessica completely changed his life and he's so glad he met her before running backstage and bringing out all the Unicorns and Elizabeth and Steven.

In the end, the Unicorns want to know what happened to the outtakes from the day because they want to see them. Jessica and Mandy keep trying not to laugh as they tell them that all that footage mysteriously went missing. Kimberly then begins bragging about how she's the most mature member of the club, which sets up the very last book in The Unicorn Club series.

*When Lila first suggests filming the date, the other Unicorns come up with ideas about how they can help, as in setting up the tripod and even mounting the camera on a Range Rover for steady shots. Mandy is the first one to realize that they're once again just trying to horn in on the date.

*Jessica and Steven keep fighting because of the whole contest thing. Ned and Alice eventually yell at her but say nothing to him, even though he started it. Did they forget what happened with that other concert?

*Jess keeps talking about how gorgeous Johnny is and how she's sure he'll fall for her, which leads Ned to tell her that she's too young to get serious with anyone. She later says that she'll share anything she gets except for Johnny because he's all hers. Alice then busts in and tells her that if she doesn't stop being ridiculous that she won't get to meet him at all. Knowing how Jessica acts in high school, I almost feel bad for Alice.

*When dressing up, Jessica puts on some makeup and says that the Unicorns rarely wear makeup to school. Say what now?

*Her outfit to meet him is a pair of slim cut black pants, a white tee, cropped denim vest, and black leather boots. Nice but not really appropriate for a kid in junior high.

*Stan keeps talking on his phone about how their team gets like 95% of souvenir sales, 90% of concession sales, and 75% of parking. That's not how that works. Why would a venue even book him if they couldn't make money off their stuff? It's not like his team is paying for ingredients for the concession stand!

*If Lila is such a freaking hot shot, why can't she just have her dad hire Johnny to perform for her next party?

*You know there is no way that if Lila won she would put up with their crap. They treat Jessica like shit when they think Johnny will flake out and then stalk them all over town just to meet him.

*The Johnny and Jessica thing really creeped me out! He has to be like 18 or so since he has his own house, car, etc., but he keeps holding her hand on the red carpet and making eyes at her on camera. How does no one find that gross?