Sweet Valley High #128: Kiss of a Killer

The best thing I can say about this book is that at least this series is finally over.

Elizabeth is all in shock at seeing Katrina's dead body, but at least Todd is there to comfort her. She suddenly realizes that she can do something and runs over to perform CPR. Everyone else just kind of stands around while she screams for someone to call 911. Jessica and Jonathon are upstairs when they hear some noises and head downstairs, where she proceeds to scream at everyone for ruining her night before seeing the dead body on the floor.

Jonathon heads over, lifts her arm, and announces that she's dead. Thanks, Sherlock. Enid mopes around about how Jessica ruined her life and stole her one true love from her. She then proceeds to force herself on him and beg him to let her clean his freaking house for him. These girls need a backbone, stat. Jonathon soothes the cops with stories of his parents being out of town and how they'll call soon.

Ned and Alice briefly act like parents by sitting the twins down for a talk. Since they broke curfew and lied, they're both grounded for two weeks. Ned also makes it clear that he doesn't want either twin seeing Jonathon. Jessica pitches a fit about his her soul mate and all that crap, which leads to them agreeing that he can come over for dinner. She's just sure that he'll win them over.

If you think that Ned and Alice take one look at the motorcycle riding 30 year old dating their daughter and throw him out, well, you clearly don't know the Wakefields. Despite him not eating a single thing and spending most of the night not talking, he somehow wins them over. When Liz takes the initiative and actually asks him some questions, Alice chides her for being too nosy. Jonathon just smirks about how she's like a dog with a bone. He and Jessica then “study for a French exam” together before Ned tells him to leave before curfew.

Even though Katrina just randomly showed up in town, apparently she meant something to a bunch of random kids. SVH shuts down for the whole day, which I don't think it even did for Regina, and all the kids go to her funeral. Jonathon just kind of hangs out in the background and tries not to laugh. Liz tells Joey not to come and feels drawn to Todd, which leads to them holding hands by the grave.

Enid stays after the funeral and apologizes to poor dead Katrina for not crying for her during the funeral. She seriously sits in the cemetery and talks about how her best friend dumped her and her best friend's twin stole her man. Some dark figure approaches her, grabs her by the back of the neck, and she passes out. She briefly wakes up before passing out again. Someone finds her and rushes her to the hospital.

Elizabeth gets the call and rushes to the hospital but finds out that Enid is in a coma and in critical condition. All these people keep asking her about Enid and worrying about her. While she cares about Enid, she's still caught up in her own drama over Todd and Joey. Joey makes fun of her for being grounded and keeps acting like a huge ass. When she tries to warn Jessica about Jonathon, her twin tells her to just worry about her own guy problems.

Liz and Maria sneak over to his house and get inside. She literally stumbles on a secret chamber filled with vampire books and takes some home. After reading through them, she becomes convinced that Jonathon is actually a vampire. Maria doesn't believe her until she does some research of his own. He wears a ring just like ones the books talk about that allows vampires to walk in the sun, he doesn't eat solid food, and he doesn't show up in photos. They learn that after Liz goes through some photos Olivia took.

Jonathon makes plans to see Jessica one day and doesn't show up until the middle of the night. He convinces her to go for a ride with him and takes her to his “secret cave” - I bet he does – to show her something special. They start making out, and she loses control of all her senses. Ugh, I forgot to mention this, but while making out one time, she felt herself soaring with the birds and could see the lights of the city below her. It's total Twilight BS.

Elizabeth sees her twin sneak off and doesn't know what to do. She calls Joey, who tells her it sounds like Jess being Jess and not to worry. When she calls Todd and wakes him up, he encourages her to tell her parents because (a) it's the middle of the night, (b) no one really trusts Jonathon, and (c) there's a freaking serial killer on the loose. She wakes up Alice, who instantly calls the police, and then worries because that Jonathon seemed like such a nice kid.

The cops randomly find the secret cave and bust the two for breaking curfew just as the call comes in about a runaway Wakefield twin. They tell them that blood evidence connected to two of the three victims were found on that same stretch of beach. The cops take Jessica home. Liz worries her twin will hate her for tattling, but Jessica is so in love that she can't think straight and just looks dazed.

That feeling lasts until the next morning, which is when Ned and Alice sit her down for a talk. Liz actually wakes her up and tells her they need to see her, but Jessica just flits around and takes her time getting ready. Her parents tell her that they absolutely cannot trust her anymore. Not only is she grounded indefinitely, but she cannot have contact with Jonathon again. Jessica promptly throws a tantrum about how they don't understand love, refuses to go to school, and locks herself in her bedroom to cry.

Enid still hasn't woken up from her coma, but Liz still sees her every day. She asks Joey to go with her, but he's way too busy for personal shit like that. He just tells her to call him when she's done and they can do something fun. Liz runs into Todd in the hospital room. He keeps thinking about how much he wants to kiss her, and she keeps thinking about how “torn” she is, so they just wind up holding hands. He then tells her that he will always be there for her and holds back on telling her that he will always love her too.

Liz and Maria keep doing research and find out about a “vampire cult” serial killer who operated in northern California in 1938. They then cross reference the local high school and find a student listed named John Cayne. He was voted most popular boy in school and was loved by all the girls, but he didn't have a single picture in the yearbook. They decide to take their research to the police, though Maria begs her not to say anything about vampires.

That works out about as well as you would expect. She gives him all their research, and the cops ignore her. One officer points out that they got dozens of crank calls from psychics and others. Liz then drops the vampire bombshell, which causes him to roll his eyes and practically toss her out of the station.

In a case of BSC-itis, the teens in town decide that the cops and adults cannot do anything. They decide to hold a meeting at Bruce's house and come up with a plan. Liz and Maria rush over, show everyone their evidence, and somehow convince all the kids that Jonathon is a vampire. They decide to go to his house and set it on fire..seriously. Enid's mom then calls the Patman house to track down Liz because Enid woke up and told her Jonathon was the one who brought her to the hospital.

Liz calls Joey for help, who promptly blows her off. He goes off about how she was supposed to call him for a date and is now calling him with another cockamamie story. Joey tells her to call him back when she misses him or wants to see him. She tells him that he either help her now or things are over, and he decides to end things. Luckily, Todd is there to shoulder pat her and drive her to Jonathon's secret cave. She thinks he probably took her twin there again instead of to his house, but they have to be fast. Maria knows about the cave and will take the gang there if his house is empty.

Jonathon and Jessica really are there. She decided that since no one loves her or cares about her flavor of the minute that she should just run away from home an tells Jonathon that she wants to be with him no matter what. After packing a suitcase and stealing some of Elizabeth's clothes, she ran to meet him, and he took her to the cave.

He starts telling her about his life and how he grew up in Prussia, which Jessica never even heard of before. Jonathon talks about how his family all fishes and he was going to be a fisherman too before everything changed. Jessica gets all trance like as he talks, and when he tells her they can never be in the sunlight together again, she gets super confused. He then shows her his ring and tells her that he will share it with her after “it” happens.

Elizabeth and Todd rush into the cave to find Jessica nearly passed out in his arms. Liz flips out and tries to drag Jessica away, while her twin whines about true love. Bruce and his mob of angry mean show up, which makes Jonathon realize they came to kill him. He decides to take off and leave Jessica his ring. Jonathon literally runs into the shadows of the ocean just as a big ass black bird comes out of nowhere and swoops down over Jessica's head. Jessica blubbers about how he would never leave her because they were a forever couple, but then Liz tells her he had to go, and she calms right down. The only thing odd is that his ring is now gone.

Back at the hospital, Enid sits in her room and thinks about the weird dream she had. She saw Jonathon years ago with his family as a woman stopped and watched him. It made her realize something bad was about to happen but she couldn't warn him. A big black bird flies into her hospital room, looks at her, and then flies away. Enid starts crying because the bird took a piece of her heart with it. Seriously?

Jessica cannot possibly believe that she was about to abandon her twin and her family...again. She says goodbye to Jonathon while on the beach and looks down at her hand. That's when she realizes that the ring left behind angry blisters, as if to remind her of their blistering hot relationship or something. Liz and Todd get back together again because I know you were wondering.

*Elizabeth mentions her and Maria taking the funeral especially hard because they were so close to Amy in junior high. And? That doesn't mean they should be crying their eyes out over some girl they met like twice, especially since Liz was all jealous of her in the last book for flirting with Todd.

*The Oracle plans on doing a special edition in Katrina's honor, so Olivia shows up at the funeral and takes fucking photos! How is that even remotely considerate of her family?

*Maria points out that Enid was acting like Nicole did at camp and that maybe Enid was jealous. Liz tells her no and explains what happened when Amy came back and how Enid was super understanding. Um, that's not how I remember it...

*I hate Ned and Alice so much. Everyone keeps saying that Jonathon looks way older than a teenager. He shows up on his motorcycle, looking like some college dude, barely talks at dinner, and acts super aloof. They somehow decide that he can keep dating their daughter though. And when Liz has the sense to actually ask him questions, they basically tell her to STFU. Nah, it's okay though, why would you ever want to know info about your daughter's boyfriend?

*And also, when she throws a tantrum and refuses to go to school, I would snap. I'd be in that room and dragging her out the door in five seconds. They let her get away with everything!

*Elizabeth gets all ugly girl upset about how she can't believe she's in love with two guys at the same time. Except she's totally not. She spends the whole book irritated with Joey and missing Todd, and whenever Joey kisses her, she keeps thinking about Todd. That's not love.

*I remember the good old days when Jessica didn't take crap from any guy. Remember how her relationship with Bruce was so out of character because she let him control her? The longer the series went on, the more she put guys above everything else.

*How the heck did they decide to do this miniseries and then the one where the twins work for the magazine? I cannot imagine Ned and Alice, yes even Ned and Alice, ever letting Jessica out of the house again.

*Bruce's plan for catching the killer is to dress a doll up like a high school girl and put it in a car. They'll then run over the guy when he shows up. That is awesome sauce.

*At one point, Jonathon winds up laying on top of Jessica with their faces together. There are multiple scenes of him kissing her neck and her forgetting everything around her. Yeah, I totally buy that she was still a virgin in college. /s

*Jessica tells Liz at one point that she just doesn't understand what it's like to be in love with one guy. I'm not sure if I would pull the multiple dead boyfriends card or just smack her across the face...

*I have to admit that this series came after I was “too old” for Sweet Valley High. I remember picking the first book in the miniseries up from the library and secretly checking it out so my friends wouldn't know. It was so lame to me, even then, that I never bothered reading the rest. I believe the last SVH book I read in terms of continuity was when the twins went to college after taking the SAT. I'm not even sure I finished that miniseries.